Blood and Tears

Lost List by Penelope Illustrations

Strange how something that seemed so closed can suddenly become more closed than you thought it could ever be.

I broke up with the guy I'd been going out with for seven, nearly eight, years this February only two weeks after he'd moved here to Australia from America. You change a lot between the ages of 14 and 21. We haven't seen much of each other the last four or so months, but I had expected to say goodbye face to face before he went back to the US.

Thinking he was leaving this evening I went at lunch time to pick up some linen he'd borrowed to stay on campus and to say the final goodbye. His side of the room was empty, there weren't even any bags. I stood at the door and his room mate, Heath, came a few moments later from the car park. His usual cheerful self he jumped up expectantly and got the neatly folded towel, sheets and blankets from the cupboard.

I filled my arms with them, and paused, attempting to ask the question I was trying to form into words, "When did he leave? I thought he was leaving tonight."

Realizing what had happened Heath's eyes lost their smile as he told me they'd gone to the airport early that morning.

Life happens, not always as we expect. I understand that he might not want to say goodbye, things were settled a number of months ago, none the less I was still shocked. All was closed tightly but now with his going it's almost like a new level of closure has just reared it's head and closed even further over everything. And as always with each layer of closure there is always something to let go of.

I had to let go by writing my thoughts out this morning before going to say goodbye. And in writing and crying and letting go, I bled. This was the first time in five months that I haven't bled on or before the dated I expected. Being late to bleed was strange, but perhaps I needed to let go of things in my heart before my body could let go too. It felt very fitting.