Thursday, May 10, 2007

This Flesh



Let's begin by saying that there is nothing worse than realizing the picture used in the previous post really goes hand in hand with the topic about to be touched on in this post. Ah well, such is life and the little sketch above will just have to do, but if you're anything like me scroll down and have another look at the sketch from the post before, it's just exquisite, especially the nape of her neck and small of her back. The weight of her breast has been captured perfectly.


Despite the fact most of the time I am happy with my body I still occasionally have my little list of changeables: ankles could be slimmer, backside a little less lumpy, frown lines smoothed off the forehead, but the list use to be a much longer list! I hated my nose and my knees, my breasts were too little, stomach not flat enough, and I wanted anything but straight hair. It's only been recently that I noticed the list decreasing in size.... and it's not because anything has changed physically. My nose is still my nose except now its been pierced, knees as they always were, breasts still fit the same bra (I would never wish them bigger), my stomach was actually flatter when the list was originally made compared to now, and my hair will never ever need a straightener.


So the list is shorter and the occasions I think about the items left on it are few and far between. I can only link my list shrinkage logically to one thing, and that is the fact I have seen a lot of naked women being a student midwife! Each body has been different, but beautiful in its own way. Belly buttons grace every stomach whatever way they can, breasts are never symmetrical, come in all sizes and hang differently from every woman's chest. Nipples are unique too when it comes to colour and shape. Fat can exist on any imaginable part of the body... I've seen some beautiful fat. Cellulite never surprises me anymore. Legs are long, short, hairy and smooth, with slim and chunky ankles.


Bodies tell stories, say that we live a physical life, hold scars and marks reminding us of what has passed. The pale, spider-web, stretch marks on my hips appeared when I began to grow. It makes me laugh when I remember how Mum told me I had good CBH's (Child Bearing Hips) and my sisters all snickered at the thought. The fine red and purple veins on my thighs and calves remind me that my youngest sister and I share them in common. The scar under my lip marks the time I bit right through it playing a blindfold game. I'm sure a lot of other marks will make their way onto my body in time. Shape of a Mother has given me a fair clue when it comes to reality.


I'm amazed at the impact my physical body has over how I perceive myself, how parts of my body make me feel very "me". I would feel very lost if I ever had a breast or both breasts removed. Having a hysterectomy even if I had previously given birth to children and was in later life would definitely be a grieving process for me, more so than loosing a limb. Studying female genital mutilation last year was almost unbearable at times!


While we are not just our bodies, our body is a part of ourselves. These last two years my body has remained pretty much the same, no more growing, no more changing, very little weight fluctuation... the next time it changes in any large degree will most likely be the first time I fall pregnant. I guess our bodies go through chapters, really. About nine months ago I finally woke up to the new chapter my body was in, the chapter of being just fully grown without the marks of childbearing. Catching a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror I realized suddenly that the little girl was long gone, and so was the awkward, constantly changing teenager, a woman had somehow come out of my body. The moment was a little somber, definitely mysterious, and quite breath catching. In a silly sort of amazement I just looked and spent some time coming to grips with the fact that "she" was "me".


It is good.

1 Comments:

At 8:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

laura, you amaze me. I love coming and reading your beautiful words, they impact me every time and the tears freely flow. thank you...

 

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