Selah

Thoughts have been running around my head about my procrastination rut and not really beings sure of where I'm heading with my life. This is an extract from a letter I wrote today (which contains an block of my hand written journal):

"To cut a bit of a long story short, I've had niggling prompts in the back of my mind to start writing my thoughts down again in a note book and felt a big shove from God that I need to be engaging my brain not just my heart with him and to begin by writing more in my journal and also using my blog too.

I wrote some stuff down in my journal last night... here goes....

~ Begining of Laura's Journal ~

Lord I feel like curling up and crying. Life seems too complicated right now. I just want to pause instead of feeling like I'm being catapulted headlong into an unknown. I don't even quite know what's disturbing me. Lord please show me

All I see is mess tied up in knots, my room's a mess, my priorities seem whacked, my self discipline in non existent and my goals are unrelated to life.

I feel like I want OUT of my course, the next moment I feel that I do want to keep doing what I'm doing. My course is frustrating me....

Was I made for this God? Do you really want me to be a midwife?

(prompted to read in Psalms where I have been for the last few days...I'm up to Psalm 25)

These are the verses that really jumped out:

1 To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;

2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD,
your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.


That was fitting! My struggle is seen by God which is a comfort....still I do not understand where exactly my thoughts and feelings lead...so perhaps I'll summarized the thoughts and feelings on paper...

1) Work load for uni is overwhelming
2)Procrastination is rampant
3) What do I want to do with my life?
4) Do I want a career? And in turn do I feel I need to, or am expected to have one?
5) If I left my course I would feel like a failure and regret it (at least I think I would regret it!)
6) What would I do if I didn't do the midwifery thing?
7) Why have I always wanted to be a wife and mother?
8) What does this desire mean for me now...as I'm not married and wont be for a while?
9) Will my procrastination and dissatisfaction move over to my role as a wife and mother once I've been one for long enough? Am I just straining at the bit or is the matter really about what road I'm traveling on?
10) How am I honouring God by all this?

~ End of Laura's Journal ~

I know I've mentioned it before about not wanting the whole midwifery thing to be a grab at something I can't yet have...and I always thought I was set in that regard, meaning I didn't think that was my reasoning behind becoming a midwife, but lately I'm not so sure which is un-nerving.

So in answer to my question about what do I want to do in life.... I want to love God and love other people. Practically I see that working out by, being married, loving my husband, having and loving children, teaching my kids (i.e. homeschooling them), being available to other people around me, to listen to them, offer them hospitality, enjoy the world around me by being outside in it and learning about it, and being responsible about the way in which I live (by that I mean using resources wisely, and all that environmental and simple living stuff that runs around my head a lot of the time). So......yes, that's what I want to do in life in a nut shell.

About midwifery... yes it ties in with my philosophy of life and yes I can love other people through being a midwife and love and honour my God and yes it links into all the family stuff which is a focus for me... these are the reasons why probably deep down I chose it. Practically right now it's a wise thing to be doing, to continue on in it and to do it with my best effort....I'm in a possition where what I want to "do" in life is not a present reality....so I do need to lay it down before God and give it up. That's hard.

I shouldn't feel like this part of my life is a waste if I never practice midwifery for very long, btw I'm sure I will use it more than I think I will, I just don't see myself doing the "working mother thing". Just because I don't want to feel pressured or expected have a career doesn't mean I shouldn't use the combination of brains and compassion that God's given me. This was and is my choice and I'm halfway through! I need to run with it knowing that however much I end up using of what I'll be spending three years on, is and will be honouring to God, that it grew me and has equipped me to serve others.

Perseverance makes us mature and complete not lacking anything (see James 1:4)I think those are important things God will want me to begin learning before I face the other desires of my heart. "