Accoucheur

A slight change

2008-04-28T15:33:00.003+10:00

So while there has been little activity here, and unfortunately I can't guarantee anything regular being posted here at the moment, I thought I better send you all over to another blog I've started on menstruation:

St. Menses

It's been floating around as an idea for the last few months and as of today I've done something about it. Please be aware that it will contain adult content.

Water

2008-02-28T15:50:00.002+11:00

Lent

He sits waiting
'Will you give me a drink?'

Indignant,
'A jar has already been spilled
now I've returned for more,
it's full
for my purpose,
how can you even ask me for a drink?'

she trembles waiting

'If you knew who it is that asks you,
you would have asked him
and he would have given you
living water'

lifeless, the water jar waits

Scooped in her hand
water trickles through fingers
held out to him,
'Give me this water
so I won't keep coming here to draw'

dripping, waiting
offering evaporating on dry sand

'My water becomes a spring
welling up
to eternal life'

he takes her hand
the jar overturns
spilling
welling into nothingness
rushing away

'Go, call your husband'

waiting tears pour

'I have no husband'

'You are right
and the man you now have
is not your husband'

silence
water dissolves around her

she trembles waiting

a spring appears

Snacking on Bits and Pieces

2007-10-01T16:57:00.000+10:00

Sitting curled up on the couch tonight I discovered Twisties and KitKats taste good together.

Obviously if I'm eating it means I'm still alive. The earth hasn't swallowed me up, and I truly am hoping to get this blog back to functioning.

So yes, I'm still here, but there have been a few changes. I've taken a year break from my Midwifery degree, and will start back again in July next year. It was a choice I needed to make, this year has been a roller coaster. My Follow Through Journey case studies got lost in the wake of it all. Thankfully I can keep doing them over the next few months while I don't have classes.... the thing is now I have to deal with all the women that got left behind earlier on this year. In a profession which highly values continuity, I feel so wretchedly guilty for leaving these women behind. It's been stopping me from getting anywhere close to catching up. It's got to change...

The other change, or soon to be change, is that this Saturday I'm moving out of home and going to share a small flat with my twin sister Bec who's loosing a house-mate and needs someone to help pay rent. Freedom! I'm packing boxes... can't wait!

So I'm not studying... but I'm still loving midwifery! Or I should say remembering why I love it again. Uni stress was starting to kill my passion. A good reason to take a break, and learn what I want to learn in a self directed way. I'm tossing up if I can afford going up to Sydney for the Australian Homebirth Conference at the start of November. Ina May Gaskin is speaking... I don't think I can afford to miss it! I want to hear her and see her in person!

Also Birth Week 07, similar to last year's Birth Week, is coming up again... the program sounds fantastic. I hoping I can managed to get to a few gatherings in between my shifts selling shoes at work.

Life goes on.

Ecclectic Mess

2007-07-15T16:01:00.000+10:00

Nothing cuts a creativity surge to mere smithereens more than a frozen computer, night shifts and a computer which won't read my photos off of my camera. I've opted for the communal 'family computer' for the moment, while I brace myself to purchase a new laptop.... which is just a tad exciting.

And so I don't forget I need to blog about a few things:

1. Placement: After three weeks it finally happened... I looked after a few elderly men last Thursday and Friday. They had transurethral prostatectomies (TURPs). It was so weird. I had to laugh last night when speaking to Ruth, (a friend who's about to graduate as a nurse). We've been chatting about the strange things I've been doing this last little while that have no relation at all to midwifery. So when I saw her late last night and simply said, "I've been looking after the TURP's", she put on her most sympathetic face and said, "Oh honey! Don't worry, once you've seen one you've seen them all... and yes, they're all so damn precious about their bits!"

2. Art: The beautiful art work my little sister Hannah sketched for me (It was for my 21st birthday but it came a tad later). A pregnant woman in charcoal. Photo's to come when I can down load them.

3. Friends: Going to St. Andrews Market with Tim, Ana, Dylan and Susannah yesterday was just perfect. Mmmm kumquat marmalade is divine. Along with the marmalade, my canvas bags were quickly filled with olive and rye bread, an earing (yes just one... I need to buy another like it but slightly different to get the look I want), a pendant from Peru, wild dried figs, some artistic pregnancy photography on a set of cards, and a pair of Indian pants belonging to Tim (because boy's don't bring things like bags with them ;).

After warming ourselves with the famous St. Andrews Chai Tent chai and wandering over the road to the pub to thaw out by the fire we stopped at Hurstbridge for lunch in a gorgeous little retro cafe' called Heart and Soul (photos to come). The op-shop deserved a flying visit and then a longer one in the antique store, where I think the shop owner thought Tim was serenading her with the old beaten up guitar he found in the corner as he tuned and played it. Back on the street Susannah, wondered out loud about the difference between 'organic' and 'bio dynamic' produce after seeing a sign at the health food store, so we wandered in to ask. Browsing the shelves I found pure body art quality henna in the brand I've been looking at on the internet. It was only $3 for 100g!!! Very exciting. Can't wait to start mixing and trying it out.

On we drove to Tim's brother and sister-in-laws place. Hugh was out the back with a few other relatives and it's an undeniable fact that vehicles play a large part in his and Amy's life.... they've got their own marked track in the paddock for driving in! It being wet and muddy it was time for a just a little bit of fun. Mostly everyone took turns attempting a flying drive up the hill to see how far they could get before drifting off the muddy track. Hugh took me as a passenger and the drift in the mud was amazing! The plan is to come out again sometime and have a bit of a wild driving session, just to see what cars can do and how to respond. Very keen.

Once all four of us were back at Tim's place, Ana, Ryan and Mick showed up. After being served some amazing Tequila Sunrises, we drove out into the darkness and sticks to Izzie's 21st birthday party. Her's would have to be the most wonderful party I have been to in my whole life! She is so very loved! People spread through the house and garden and I would have guessed there were 250 people at one point. It almost seemed like a school reunion, just about every person in our final year of high school showed up. Every time I moved I found someone I'd yet to talk to. The garden was perfect with fairy lights and the fire drums to keep warm around, the food enjoyable and the alcohol very tasteful. After speeches we spent some hours dancing.... Mic and Ryan both danced, it was the first time I've ever seen either of them dance and it was just so right to be dancing crazily with a whole group of friends to Infected Mushroom trance music! My only regret was that I hadn't bought a change of shoes from the morning with me, dancing with hiking boots on is just a little clunky!

I fell into bed at 2:15am. A good good day.

oh... and mental note to self... I need to post about the hike I've been on...

Stoked....totally!

2007-07-02T21:28:00.000+10:00

If you're not a blogger I doubt what I'm about to say will resonate with you.

But for all you bloggers out there, I'm sure you'll understand the excitement experienced when I discovered some midwives have linked to my blog! Wow! I feel very honoured and now just a little more compelled to write. Hahah, nothing like an audience to get the creativity flowing.

so thanks Alternative Birth for putting me on your resource/links page
and thank you Mama Mid(Wife) Madness for the blog roll mention

You've made my day.

Playing Nurse

2007-06-26T19:18:00.000+10:00

(Artist Unknown)

Wow... got to love her uniform!

As of this afternoon I've survived the second day of my Women's Health Gynaecology placement. Helen (fellow midwifery student) and I have concluded a number of things in the short amount of time we've spent carpooling these last few days and I'm sure we'll conclude a lot more than just the following by the end of four weeks:

1. We feel as if we are in first year again.

2. Nursing and Midwifery are NOT the same (we knew this already but there's nothing like a nursing placement to realize it even more). It makes us happy to be midwives and helps us understand why we feel like first years.

3. Our midwifery degree should have more than the one pharmacology subject we took in first year. Giving out drugs freaks the hell out of us!

4. Getting up early makes you yawn all day.

5. Working in a mixed gynae/med ward means we will be caring for men. Helen has, I have yet to experience it.

6. Hospitals are great places to get lost in, especially when they are being renovated!

7. Caring for six women in a surgical ward is very very different from postnatal ward looking after six postnatal mums and six babies, or labour ward with one or two birthing women.

8. Nurses are much more happy to have students buddied up to them than are midwives.

9. Nurses need to have fantastic time management skills. The ward routine has Helen and I fascinated.

10. Feeding, washing, moving and providing complete care for elderly women is very confronting.

11. Cups of tea are very very welcome.

12. Taking down and putting on new dressings over wound and surgery incisions is really fun.... but even so, four weeks of nursing skills in our final year of midwifery seems just a little excessive.

13. I miss midwifery.... in light of the PMS post a few posts below, it's nice to know!

Oh... and thanks so much for the comments in the last few posts, it's meant so much!

3 weeks 3 days left.

Let them go quickly!

Blood and Tears

2007-06-21T17:58:00.000+10:00

Lost List by Penelope Illustrations

Strange how something that seemed so closed can suddenly become more closed than you thought it could ever be.

I broke up with the guy I'd been going out with for seven, nearly eight, years this February only two weeks after he'd moved here to Australia from America. You change a lot between the ages of 14 and 21. We haven't seen much of each other the last four or so months, but I had expected to say goodbye face to face before he went back to the US.

Thinking he was leaving this evening I went at lunch time to pick up some linen he'd borrowed to stay on campus and to say the final goodbye. His side of the room was empty, there weren't even any bags. I stood at the door and his room mate, Heath, came a few moments later from the car park. His usual cheerful self he jumped up expectantly and got the neatly folded towel, sheets and blankets from the cupboard.

I filled my arms with them, and paused, attempting to ask the question I was trying to form into words, "When did he leave? I thought he was leaving tonight."

Realizing what had happened Heath's eyes lost their smile as he told me they'd gone to the airport early that morning.

Life happens, not always as we expect. I understand that he might not want to say goodbye, things were settled a number of months ago, none the less I was still shocked. All was closed tightly but now with his going it's almost like a new level of closure has just reared it's head and closed even further over everything. And as always with each layer of closure there is always something to let go of.

I had to let go by writing my thoughts out this morning before going to say goodbye. And in writing and crying and letting go, I bled. This was the first time in five months that I haven't bled on or before the dated I expected. Being late to bleed was strange, but perhaps I needed to let go of things in my heart before my body could let go too. It felt very fitting.

PMS

2007-06-20T16:45:00.000+10:00

That's right it's the 20th of June, I feel an emotional wreck because I'm almost about to bleed (oh and and a few other reasons mixed in with the hormones makes for a most powerful cocktail). Knowing that PMS is one of the reasons I feel this way doesn't make me feel any less emotional.

I would happily curl up in a little warm hole in the earth today and cry till the world ended.... I'll probably feel that way till I see red when everything will be fixed.

If anyone speaks to me about FTJ or fulltime jobs or uni or what I want to do with my life or making money.... I think I might get rather scary or honest. Thinking about it, being honest would make me feel a whole heap better!

I want to stop... just stop... so i can cook, garden, love others, create, write... all in a little house on the side of mountain and forget midwifery as a 'job' and start it all over again when I get to the point of loving it again. I wish i could pursue midwifery without working in hospital. I want to stop feeling stuck and unable to get out of the mess FTJ is in... but I'm so stuck I'm afraid to do what I need to do to put it right again. I feel frozen. I'm afraid of working as a midwife next year, I don't want to work as a midwife next year. I want my family to know how stuck I feel... instead of being told I'm just not using my time effectively and being slack.

There are those moments you just want to quit.....

God in a picture # 1

2007-05-25T20:58:00.000+10:00

For small group this past Wednesday we were asked to bring a piece of music, a picture, or something that spoke to us of how we see God at the moment. Not being able to choose one I collected a group of images of women and I thought I'd share a few of them, one at a time and tell you a little about each.

The image above, is by Jude Mooney, titled Avenne at the Cascades. It makes the hairs on my neck stand up. There are four elements of this picture that draw me to likening it to God. The first is of course the woman, swollen with child but let me list the other three to begin with...

Roots of the tree - old, ancient, and wizened; they look like they belong to the beginning of time.

Rocks - solid, unshakable, dependable.

Rushing water - constantly moving, wild, untamable; invitingly shallow but deep at the same moment.

.... and amidst all that sits a woman, quietly peaceful, soft and tender, bursting with new life. You can almost feel the richness of her body nourishing her baby, and see the mystery of the love forming inside her, sense her deeply connected to her child.

God's like that, she's like a woman, despite being wildly powerful, ancient and unmoving, she is love, deep relationship, life creating beauty.

Ducking back into the Red Tent

2007-05-22T16:50:00.000+10:00

Taboo

I need to re-vision
the blood
feel the blessing of eggs
washing away, lining cleansed
ready for new beginnings.

I need to see God as a woman
who bleeds.

excerpt of a poem by Jennifer Boire

The dull pulse in my back and pelvis woke me this morning at 4am. Slightly disoriented from disconnecting dreams, the dark curled around me and I lay foggy brained for a few minutes trying to piece together the feeling in my body. Familiarity of eight and a half years kicked in after a moment and I lay resting, thinking about blood being spilled on cue as always. The ache lacking it's usual fierceness, I stayed curled up in bed, pausing at my bleeding's beginning trying to remind myself to pause over it's duration.

I constantly feel pressure from outside to keep going as if nothing is happening when I bleed. Onwards, always onwards in linear fashion.

I do not feel linear.

It doesn't match my experience of my body, life, emotions, relationships or spirituality. Cyclic is my reality. The world rotates through it's seasons, the moon through it's waxing and waning, just as I circle around and around, and move through the stages of being female. Bleeding gets rid of the old and prepares for the new.... it is an introspective time. When I consciously make it an introspective time to match the rhythm of my body I find I have the opportunity for parts of myself heal to in all sorts of ways through letting go and accepting.

The actual reality of pausing can be difficult. I have an assignment this week that I will be working hard to complete, so it will not be low key. But it's not necessarily the physical slowing down that is important to me (though changing pace does help introspective processing) but the mental shift.

A few months ago I found a beautiful crimson ribbon which I wear wrapped around my wrist now every time I bleed... a visual reminder to reflect. I've started keeping a dream journal (which I write in all the time) but it is always more vivid leading up to menstruation and during bleeding. I simply write my dreams as I remember them and leave it as that. In the process of writing sometimes they make more sense. I write in my many other journals too. It's an open time on many levels. At least once I try make space to sit open before God to see what needs to be stripped away and see what needs to grow. What else? I drink more water and avoid caffeine. I light candles and snuggle with my hot-water bottle, and get fresh air. They're just things that I find work for me and help me pause.

I think it helps keep me sane. What do others do?

Going up the Mountain

2007-05-18T13:08:00.000+10:00

Those elbows on the left would be Emily's (my little sis), mine are on the right, and yes the photo was taken up the mountain, Sassafras to be specific. I think I'm addicted to the place! Any excuse to drive up the winding road to either Kalorama, Kallista, Sassafras, Belgrave or Olinda and I'm in, usually with no questions asked. Hannah (the littlest sis) asked to go up with me this afternoon and unfortunately I had to pause and tell her that my answer pended on receiving an extension for my last assignment.... (For the sake of clarity, I didn't ask for an extension simply because I wanted to go up the mountain, I needed it because of another assignment on the back of this one which has taken up all my time!) As of one hour ago I'm happy to say the extensions been sorted. Olinda here we come!

Last time up there, I came across the pomegranates and also stumbled across some curry leaves. I've been hunting high and low for them since the curry night I had with Ana, Tim, Bec and Geoff in January when couldn't find them for a recipe I was planning to make. So last night I finally made Butternut Squash Curry which we ate with coconut rice and a good dollop of yogurt. Taste expectations were met. Mum commented on it looking like baby food, for which I think I'll forgive her because it certainly didn't taste like it. Definitly one to make again.

I think I'll have to superglue my wallet shut this afternoon, too many things call my name when I'm up there, though birthdays are coming up so my eyes will be peeled.

Ten Days Ago..

2007-05-15T16:39:00.000+10:00

By Chrissy Butler

... it was the International Day of the Midwife. As it so happened I was on my last day of placement, and while thinking to post, never did but better late than never I suppose. Since 1991, May 5th has been Midwives Day, thanks to the influence of the International Confederation of Midwives.

It disappointed me that Saturday that the women's hospital I was placed in did nothing to celebrate or support the midwives working there. Zip. Nada. Nothing. It didn't surprise me though, for we are a lonely profession, a struggling profession, a political profession. Navelgazing Midwife wrote a very interesting post, which you can read here, about the reality of being a midwife.

As a student myself it did not make me afraid, but reminded me of the moments where I've tasted the edge of the experience she describes. It reminded me of the invigorating challenge of first year midwifery, the flurry of signing petitions and our small victory in getting ACU to change the faculty title from 'School of Nursing' to 'School of Nursing & Midwifery'. Many thanks goes to my fellow student Pippa for that!

Second year flew by with news of at least two hospital birth centres possibly closing in Melbourne. They closed. There was little movement on gaining professional indemnity insurance for midwives in independent practice. More petitions, more letters, more politics on placement.

Now it's third year and things have slowed down, or perhaps all of us students have grown tired (even fiery Pippa is tired). Reality's hit. When I graduate, while I will call myself a registered midwife, on paper I will be, "a registered nurse limited to practicing midwifery only." Some how in first year I thought three years would be all the time the ACMI and Maternity Coalition would need to encourage/pressure the Nurses Board of Victoria and the Health Department to change that... and still not yet!

Victoria, I have to give it to you, you really know how support the women who support all the pregnant and birthing women in this state! Get your act together!

My! Watching 'Bastard Boys' on ABC last night got my dreams going, and my anger hotted up.

Magic

2007-05-14T19:23:00.000+10:00

By Carrie Goller

She had a nice smile, standing there behind the counter and rolls of tissue paper. "It's all French!" she said as I glanced around the shoppe full of crisp, simple linen, eggshell blue saucers, lavender soap, and an odd array of tap handles. Pausing and admiring I spoke to her, asking about the week. It had been busy, Mother's Day. I listened and looked then caught sight of the star like pucker and brown-pink blush of small, dried pomegranates filling one of her bowls from Lourmarin. Stopping mid sentence I picked one up, holding it gently, captivated by its simple beauty. Still looking I asked, "Are these decorations or for sale?" There was a pause and looking up I saw her eyes, like mine fixed on the dried pod in my hand. "Someone asks me that everyday," she said gently, "just decorations, they came off the tree in my sisters yard." Her gaze still played over the full bowl between us. I put the pomegranate down softly, wistful. They were hers, she was under their spell. Her eyes smiled at me and I left the bowl alone, content they were being cherished, glad to have held one. Buying some olive soap I left her at the counter. I think she knows I'll be daydreaming of pomegranates.

Just two things

2007-05-12T22:37:00.000+10:00

.... that have made me pause this evening on the brink of Mother's Day. Check out the wall of photos and the poem, "Now That I Am Forever With Child" by Audre Lorde here from SouleMama, and then run over and read this proclamation shared by The Ashram.

This Flesh

2007-05-10T20:03:00.000+10:00

Let's begin by saying that there is nothing worse than realizing the picture used in the previous post really goes hand in hand with the topic about to be touched on in this post. Ah well, such is life and the little sketch above will just have to do, but if you're anything like me scroll down and have another look at the sketch from the post before, it's just exquisite, especially the nape of her neck and small of her back. The weight of her breast has been captured perfectly.

Despite the fact most of the time I am happy with my body I still occasionally have my little list of changeables: ankles could be slimmer, backside a little less lumpy, frown lines smoothed off the forehead, but the list use to be a much longer list! I hated my nose and my knees, my breasts were too little, stomach not flat enough, and I wanted anything but straight hair. It's only been recently that I noticed the list decreasing in size.... and it's not because anything has changed physically. My nose is still my nose except now its been pierced, knees as they always were, breasts still fit the same bra (I would never wish them bigger), my stomach was actually flatter when the list was originally made compared to now, and my hair will never ever need a straightener.

So the list is shorter and the occasions I think about the items left on it are few and far between. I can only link my list shrinkage logically to one thing, and that is the fact I have seen a lot of naked women being a student midwife! Each body has been different, but beautiful in its own way. Belly buttons grace every stomach whatever way they can, breasts are never symmetrical, come in all sizes and hang differently from every woman's chest. Nipples are unique too when it comes to colour and shape. Fat can exist on any imaginable part of the body... I've seen some beautiful fat. Cellulite never surprises me anymore. Legs are long, short, hairy and smooth, with slim and chunky ankles.

Bodies tell stories, say that we live a physical life, hold scars and marks reminding us of what has passed. The pale, spider-web, stretch marks on my hips appeared when I began to grow. It makes me laugh when I remember how Mum told me I had good CBH's (Child Bearing Hips) and my sisters all snickered at the thought. The fine red and purple veins on my thighs and calves remind me that my youngest sister and I share them in common. The scar under my lip marks the time I bit right through it playing a blindfold game. I'm sure a lot of other marks will make their way onto my body in time. Shape of a Mother has given me a fair clue when it comes to reality.

I'm amazed at the impact my physical body has over how I perceive myself, how parts of my body make me feel very "me". I would feel very lost if I ever had a breast or both breasts removed. Having a hysterectomy even if I had previously given birth to children and was in later life would definitely be a grieving process for me, more so than loosing a limb. Studying female genital mutilation last year was almost unbearable at times!

While we are not just our bodies, our body is a part of ourselves. These last two years my body has remained pretty much the same, no more growing, no more changing, very little weight fluctuation... the next time it changes in any large degree will most likely be the first time I fall pregnant. I guess our bodies go through chapters, really. About nine months ago I finally woke up to the new chapter my body was in, the chapter of being just fully grown without the marks of childbearing. Catching a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror I realized suddenly that the little girl was long gone, and so was the awkward, constantly changing teenager, a woman had somehow come out of my body. The moment was a little somber, definitely mysterious, and quite breath catching. In a silly sort of amazement I just looked and spent some time coming to grips with the fact that "she" was "me".

It is good.

Vulnerable

2007-05-08T13:47:00.000+10:00

By Annete Vanderspuy

When ever I've been away from blogging for any length of time I never know weather I should launch into my thoughts or give a bit of a summary of what has passed. So, to condense placement into a few short sentences I will say it was draining, the staff more welcoming than last time, nights were great for births but played havoc with my mental and emotional state, I felt like a 3rd year student with more responsibility and capability, accoucheured 11 births, saw two caesarean sections, attended 3 ventouse births, cared for a woman with really bad Pre- ecclampsia, took blood...... and was completely incapable of doing any study for my online units while at hospital for 5 days a week. If I wasn't at hospital, or driving to or from hospital, I was either sleeping (didn't know how much I loved my sleep until I missed a whole lot of it!), eating or meeting up with friends to remind myself the world was actually continuing on.

But besides being a wreck most of the time I did rather enjoy it, and to prove that life did continue on in these last four weeks:

I managed to get to some of Soul Survivor on the Saturday and Sunday, and it turned out to be a rather life shaping day/night (as was the week following). Hmmmm how ambiguous can I be!? Michael Leunig says it perfectly ~

Dear God

We loosen our grip.

We open our hand.

We are accepting.

In our empty hand

We feel the shape

Of simple eternity.

It nestles there.

We hold it gently.

We are accepting.

Amen

The 21st birthday bash happened on the 19th of April and turned out more perfectly than I'd even expected! Good food, fairy lights, candles, fire brassier in the back yard, lovely friends, some fire twirling, David Grey playing in the background and only a few embarrassing photos.

Bec got engaged to her Geoff and then asked me to be her bridesmaid! Ana, Elyce and I plan to be the most gorgeous bridesmaids ever... I think we'll be wearing green. January 08 please come quickly.

So yes.... life continues on rapidly, and I've managed to clean my room which means I can sit down and study properly without any visual clutter getting in my way.

Some Zing Please!

2007-04-10T01:29:00.000+10:00

Tonight I start placement, a few nerves are fluttering around like mad men in my stomach, but mostly I'm looking forward to it. I've been to the ward before, I know my way around, I won't get lost, I just need to slot in the zone and pray for a "good" midwife to work with.

Getting ready for placement is always something I find a little bizzar. I could have spent yesterday flipping through text books and brushing up on a few areas I need to refresh, but no I went and got my hair cut and then dyed it a copper/mahogany with henna. This is the second time now.... it went much better than the first but I do need to make a mental note for next time to have an assisant. I really needed four hands, but I got there... and am happy with the end result... it will be intersting to see what colour it settles to over the next few days.

Despite not spending yesterday with my nose burried in a text book, hennaring (is that a word?) my hair did get me feeling some what prepared. I hate the idea of blending in and becoming swallowed up by the hospital, having my awe of birth stripped away from seeing intervention after intervention, and women loosing autonomy. So I do things to remind myself about autonomy.... by mixing my own hair dye, that's natural and safe, and good for my hair, rather than dumping chemicals all over it. Perhaps that seems petty to some people, but I like having visible things to remind me to be different in my practice as a soon be midwife. Little things matter! As a student I can't do all that much at times to make a difference.... but at least I'll try to do what I can in the situations I'm in to make birth more sacred and good.

So I'll remind myself with my henna hair to be different. I'll wear my hippy necklace, with the tear drop shape pendant on it which has markings that remind me of a vagina, so I keep in mind that women's bodies are made to give birth and can streatch beautifully. (There you go Tim... now you know I didn't tell you the whole truth when you asked if the necklace had a meaning last month... I wasn't quite ready to divulge the truth with a circle of people standing around me at church ;)

Symbolism is one of my favourite things. I'm not about to let my student uniform make me become a faceless student, who goes with the flow of obstetric hospitals. I don't mix with obstetric hospitals when it comes to a normal healthy woman giving birth. I love them when they're need but can't give them any credit for playing doctor to someone who is healthy. So yes.... I like to show outwardly that I'm not going to fit.

I wish our uniforms were practical... navy pants are okay... but a white button down shirt looks lovely with amniotic fluid and blood on it! Oh yeah and it's kinda see through too... bonus for the obstetricians! Better top up my stash of with singlet shirts to wear underneath! For the life of me I will never understand the midwives at my first placement who wore knee length skirts with splits in them. If I could design the student uniform it would be comfy cargo pants and a t-shirt of some discription, in some colour other than white.

Oh and the other benifit of the hair cut and henna is that I'll look older and perhaps avoid too many, "You look young enough to be my daughter" coments.

Night shift here I come!

Friday

2007-04-07T20:57:00.000+10:00

What can I say to you?

Is there any word that could come from my mouth?

any thought? any sentence?

You died.

Let me just stand and look.

Your body is broken, your head wounded,

your hands and feet split open by nails,

side pierced.

Your dead body now rests in the arms of your Mother.

Let me look at you.

(my adaptation of the Good Friday reading from Show Me the Way by Henri J.M. Nouwen)

Whoops

2007-03-31T20:25:00.000+10:00

Pandora by J.W. Waterhouse

Seems like today I forgot about sticking to healthy food.... it was in the moment I threw away the Easter egg wrapper at the end of my 5 hr shift, that I remembered what I was suppose to be eating instead of lovely, brown, melting, cocoa goodness. And as I guiltily threw away the wrapper of the egg, very kindly given to my by Jacqueline, I remembered about dashing into work ravenous from not eating lunch and grabbing a $1 Crunchie Bar before heading onto the floor.... and then the Cherry Ripe on my ten minute break. Ehhh! I'm not a chocoholic I swear!

Believe me please!

Just found out my first week of placement coming up in close to a weeks time is made up of night shifts! Wow! I'm kinda freaked out but really excited too! Excited because babies love being born at all hours of the early morning, but freaked out.... because I'm wondering how I am going to flip my body clock over and how I'm suppose to sleep in the middle of the day at my house, with curtains in my bedroom that even moonlight can shine through!

..... perhaps I'll just go curl up with some dark chocolate, and think about the curtains later!

Choosing

2007-03-29T22:51:00.000+10:00

(by Mesa Verdeoak)

Changes! Life is rolling along, it's third year, final year of all this study! I don't feel ready to be in final year. Placement is coming up in a little less than two weeks, and some how yet again with all the good intentions of doing better at keeping on track with study, it hasn't happened. To be honest I'm about 4 weeks behind in one online unit and 3 weeks behind in another... and I'm cramming it in. Yes, a strange thing to do to the subject you have a passion for I know!

I almost, almost decided to go part time a few days ago and add one more year on to my course and slow things down a little. In fact I came home on Monday afternoon certain I wanted go part time and being home alone I cranked up the music and danced around in pure relief. The feeling didn't last long.

After swinging back and forth over it I've chosen to take a deep breath and run with full time and finish and be registered in 2008. The feelings of readiness are not deeply felt ... but that's what placements are for! And uni has been very generous with the amount of time we have on placements in final year - sixteen weeks!

Knowing I could have gone part time but having chosen to stick it out, makes me feel more committed to this year..... not long not long now! I need to remember that! And remember that most of my real learning will come in the first few years after my course is over.

So today has been spent studying trying to catch up, and curled up with a hot waterbottle. Talking of changes I just realized my cycle has dropped from a 29 to a 27 day cycle over the past three months. Being overwhelmed by uni and a few other major changes in my life I hadn't been tracking things as I normally would have. When I bled today it was quite a shock, not only had I not noticed any of the usual signs leading up to it, but it felt so soon to the time before. Don't ask me why I didn't pick up on the major emotional swings related to deciding to go part time or not as having anything to with coming close to bleeding! Heheh! So I sat down and worked back, sure enough it had only been 27 days since the last time, twill be interesting to see if the pattern will hold or not.

Another change I've made is deciding to cut out highly processed foods over the time I bleed in. I'm curious to see if it will make a difference. Bleeding is a time of shedding and letting go and I think it's a perfect time to clear out other parts of my body too. I desperately wanted chips and chocolate this afternoon.... but remembered my plan just before I cracked open the MilkyWay bar! Carrot sticks and nectarines... here I come.

Oh and before I forget the other change I've been meaning to write about on here....I got my nose pierced about 7 weeks ago, with a very small jeweled stud in the left nostril. I love it! And have wanted it for 4 years so I thought it was about time to get it done.

Laying midwifery aside...

2007-03-18T22:08:00.000+11:00

... I think I'll post about what I want tonight.

Sifting through family photos tonight I stumbled over a rather badly shot photo of Mum, Dad and Hannah by a WWII memorial we stopped at north of Honiara on Guadalcanal (I think I was 12 at the time). While remembering the photo and the day it was taken on I never read the actual inscription on the black stone. I read it tonight, it showed clearly enough in the photo to make out the words.

It says...

Governments create wars but young men are called to fight in them. This is a hallowed area for in World II thousands of young men gave their lives here - on the ground, in the air, and on the surrounding seas. Say a prayer in your own way for these gallant men who served so unselfishly when their countries called and who fought and fell in a desperate struggle. They gave their lives that peace might come to these islands and to the world. Remember them always or their sacrifice will have been in vain. God grant us the peace that they have found.

At times it's hard to imagine the ground I played on as a child had blood spilt upon it, it never really struck me when I was there... even when we'd dig in the soil and limestone ground to play house and find bullet shrapnel, and cartridges, it still didn't sink in. We collected them actually, and it was always a find when we dug up a "whole" bullet. Once we found a massive cartridge at the beach... looking at the diameter of the base, about 1.5cm, I remember shivering just a little at the thought of someone being shot by one of them, but that was soon forgotten in the glory of possessing one of the biggest bullets.

I also have the base of a WWII coke bottle... I discovered it on the beach just before we left the Solomons. Some soldier drank out if it and threw the bottle away. It's sitting on my shelf.

The books and the baby have arrived

2007-03-15T19:06:00.000+11:00

Today was the day the baby came! Actually... it all happened so fast! Andrea and I arrived about three minutes after the baby had been born... but that's jumping the gun... I'll tell the story from the start.

I felt jumpy the whole of last week every time my phone went thinking it was Andrea calling to tell me it was really happening. Finally I let it go, the baby would come in the right time. Last night after feeling peaceful about the whole thing I was pretty sure that it wouldn't be too much longer and kept my phone close by me. Andrea (Sarah's* midwife and my mentor) messaged me at 8:00am to let me know Sarah had started labouring but that it was still early days and she'd call me when things got going and she was on her way.

Knowing how fast Sarah's last baby had been I ate breakfast, had a shower and put my keys in my shoes and made sure that my car wasn't blocked in by any other vehicles in the drive way.
With study beckoning I sat down to use up the time... but gave up realizing I needed to clear my head and pray. Small group at church last night was pretty intense, watching a very disturbing movie set in Iraq that was quite emotionally upheaving. I didn't want to bring that into the birthing space, so sat quietly with God and prayed and let it go.

The phone rang at 0915, Andrea was driving and said, "I'm on my way, Andrew* rang and said I'd better get over there...things are happening quickly!" Knowing Sarah's history we didn't even discuss if she was transitional or pushing, I just said I was on my way and jumped in the car.

I kept the radio off. News is a distraction and is usually bad, there was no peaceful music so I drove in silence recalling Sarah's previous births that she'd retold to me. Her last little boy was so fast the midwives didn't make it in time. By the time I got to her suburb I knew I wouldn't be there for the birth, and was pretty sure Andrea wouldn't make it either. It was a peaceful feeling though, Sarah knows her body supremely well and I was confident things would pan out perfectly weather a midwife was there or not.... we were both on the way and there was nothing more we could do.

Pulling into the drive way I saw Andrea's gear by the door, a pretty good indicator things had already happened and she'd simply walked in to see what was going on and would come out to get her gear if need be. The front door was open, it was quiet and I walked in softly, no need to rush and found them all gathered around the birth pool (which didn't have time to fill properly!).
Sarah was flushed and awefilled, holding her new baby against her breasts, body submerged in the rosey water. Andrew was in next to her and their two sons (Noah and Liam) were excitely hanging over the sides of the pool to see their new sibling. Andrea was cross-legged on the floor close by, simply watching and keeping an eye on things. Sarah's friend Marie, who looked after the boys, took photos. There were no intrusions just a gentle quiet, respecting that first mother baby contact.

Andrea laughed and told me she'd stepped inside a minute after the baby was born. All was well, the baby was pink and content being supported in the water, making gentle arm movements, fingers and toes fanning out in the water, large eyes fixing on her mother face. I sat down near the birth pool and just watched the quiet moment.

Marie and I went about keeping the bath water a good tempurature, carting warm water from the laundry, and put some towels and wraps in the oven to warm up while Sarah remained in the pool for the placenta to be born. It took a while. The boys wandered in and out, nibbling on snacks, and coming to admire the baby. The littlest one Noah munched away on chocolate balancing his four year old self on the side of the pool asking, "Mum, do you think the baby want's some of my chocolate?" The boys were so comfortable it was if Sarah had a baby in their dining room every day! While Sarah explained the baby only ate breastmilk, Noah ducked off to find his swiming goggles and brought them over to the pool as and offering to his new water-baby sister.

To add even more to the atmosphere Marie accidently set alight one of the towels on Sarah's birthing alter with candles. She clutched it up trying to smother it with the rest of the fabric without sucsess and we ended up dousing it in the sink. Lots of laughter over that!

The placenta came and Sarah did it all, asking Andrea only for a few directions. On inspection of the "sack the baby had been in" as we held up the placenta and membranes, Noah informed us that he thought the baby might like to be back in there :)

With blankets warmed and the pool cooling, Sarah got out, passing the baby to Andrew along with the icecream container holding the placenta as it was still attached. The whole family cuddled up on the couch and Sarah went through her thread box to find something appropriate to tie the cord with. I thought it was beautiful the way she carefully tied it, watching her baby closely ensuring that baby was ready to be separated.

Leaving them space Andrea and I cleaned the dining room as much as possible beside draining the pool. The placenta was checked and we went over to the pool to estimate blood loss. As the pool was only half full, the blood in the water was more concentrated than normal. It was dark red, still translucent, but darker than other water births I'd attended. Andrea reminded me that if the bath had been full the water would have been more of a rosey colour which is quite okay. It was good to talk that stuff through and reflect on it.

We stayed present in the background, Andrea doing paper work and I collected and washed up the dishes everyone had made from eating celebratory banana cake (which Sarah had whipped up before things got too intense... it was cooked, warm and ready by the time there was a birthday to celebrate!)

After fourish hours observing we left. It was such a lovely space to leave, knowing you could bring the memory of it with you. We lugged Andrea's unused gear back to the car... I think all that was used in the end was a pair of sterile scissors to cut the cord, and one cord clamp was left incase they thought the thread wasn't tight enough. It's so good to know that hardly anything was needed....

I think something I'm learning more and more about about midwifery is that is revolves around the need to be skillful in learning how to do nothing well! Discerning when to leave well enough alone and when to step in when extra care is required. It takes a mighly lot of competence to be comfortable doing nothing.... and Andrea simply guarded the space by being attentive, taking in the whole picture and sitting back letting what was happening happen.

It was a beautiful day and the fact my car over heated on the way home and took three hours to fix, didn't make it any less enjoyable! I think I'm high!

Birth Bound

2007-03-01T14:55:00.000+11:00

In a few days one of my Follow Through Journey women is due to give birth to her third child, though I'm feeling this baby isn't going to pay any attention to the date, and only come when there is space and time for the birth. It has been a busy time.

Sarah* (not her real name) has asked me to attend her homebirth. It is such an honour to be invited into such a personal part of her and her family's life. Every time I am asked to attend a birth it is overwhelming! There are no words to describe the feeling...

This will be the first homebirth I have experienced. It's an experience I've been longing for over the few years I've been completing my Bachelor of Midwifery. Homebirth is where my heart is at and where I desire to end up practicing. Unfortunatly our university can only provide us with hospital birth environments over our course of learning. Thankfully my last placement was with Casey Hospital a very low risk, holistic maternity unit so I feel that I have been able to remain partially sane amidst the technology driven birth society in Australia. In light of that it's been a joy these last few months to be following through a number of women who are planning homebirths, to hear their stories, plans, hopes, fears, and dreams, to see their journeys unfold.

I spent some time with Sarah* today. She showed me the henna art her women friends had drawn on her swollen belly to celebrate her upcoming labour and birth. Her youngest ran around with his lego man, chattering away. He slowed down to sit with us and watch a Russian waterbirth video showing women birthing in the warm tidal pools of the Black Sea. It's such a peaceful thing to see the whole family becoming part of the journey of pregnancy and birth.

S0.... I'll be waiting for a phone call from Andrea (Sarah's midwife and my mentor) in the next few weeks to tell me things have started. On call!

How to spend a lot of money

2007-03-01T14:21:00.000+11:00

.... simply look at your prescribed textbook list for 3rd Year Midwifery and pull out your plastic card! All I can say is that I'm mightly glad I've got a resonable sized scholarship from the government, otherwise the pocket would be needing some urgent TLC at this very moment! Why is it that a single text book can cost $123.00?

So I bought my text books and then while hunting around on the internet I ah.... bought, oh about eleven more miwifery books that had been on my wish list for quite some time. I'm practically pacing till they get here, can't wait to open them all and gobble up their contents! The problem now is wondering how to fit them on my already bursting at the seams bookcase!

The text books were:

The Midwife's Labour and Birth Handbook
Midwives Guide to Antenatal Investigations
The Newborn Child
Women's Health Nursing: Towards evidence based practice
Gynaecology Nursing: A practical guide
Potter and Perry's Fudamentals of Nursing (This text and the gynaecology text are sugested because of our 4 week Gynaecology placement midyear... they need us to brush up on our "nursing" skills.... I am thankful for the opportunity to be involved in other aspects of women's health care though I am glad it's only four weeks and we'll be jumping back into Birthing placements)

The books ticked off the wish list were:

Gentle Birth Choices
Breech Birth
Breech Birth Woman-Wise
Heart and Hands
The Waterbirth Book
Your Amazing Newborn
Lotus Birth
The Midwife Companion
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth
Spiritual Midwifery
Midwifery: Preparation for Practice

I love having books to loan out and have for reference. There is no one perfect book.... so having a variety of good ones is the only solution!

I think I have book lust.

Warning Rant Ahead!

2007-02-15T21:52:00.000+11:00

If only articles like this could appear on the FRONT page of the news paper.... *sigh*.... then perhaps women would at least think twice about running off to get a caesarean to "escape the pain of labour". At least it would encourage people to go and search out some REAL information on cesareans... from places like this and this and this.

I feel like shaking women when I hear them say they're getting a caesaean to avoid the pain of labour. Sarcastic Laura pops out ready to say saying something to the effect of.... Oh you think major abdominal surgery is a piece of cake to recover from?! Really, well you won't be able to drive for six weeks, it will hurt to cough, laugh, move, sneeze, turn over in bed, and hold and breast feed your baby, and you'll most likely be separated from your baby in the most crucial bonding moments after birth.... oh but that's all okay because you'll still have your lovely tight vagina!

...Oh and did you know that once you've had a caesarean it's most likely that many obstetricians/doctors/hospitals in Australia will suggest you have another caesarean when you decided to have subsequent children, and that most Birth Centres will immediately not be able to book you in because having a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After a Caesarean) is too 'high risk'.... even though evidence based research is supportive of VBAC!?

Far out! How much research has to be done before things will change! I could find paper upon paper supporting VBAC for medical, physiological, social, emotional and all the other "al" reasons in the blink of an eye! But no... it's Open Season for caesareans! Pregnant women be very careful! Don't go anywhere near a scalpel happy hospital! Please.... check their caesarean section rate, think about who your care provider is... or better yet think about being cared for by an independent midwife or Birth Centre. Oh and please don't think "private" means it's the best, it's the best when it comes to curtains and a TV but not when it comes to your birth and baby!

The current national average rate of caesarean sections in Australia has reached 30%. Some hospitals have a rate closer to 50%! The World Health Organization suggests that a rate higher than 10-15% is detrimental to women and their babies. What do these hospitals think they are doing? Can't someone make them accountable for their failure to care for women in a way that decreases their chance of having a caesar? Oh but then I must remember hospitals are institutions.... and institutions and pregnant women really don't make the best combination, do they....

*Sigh*

Caesareans can be fantastic when women need them. Heck, I needed to be born with one one... being a twin who was lying transverse with my sister breech....I am so thankful that a caesarean was available to my Mum!

BUT.... caesareans are dangerous things when used in the wrong context.

I can't find the research now I need it but as soon as I find it I'll post the reference... but I read somewhere that a large percentage of women who have caesareans have unexplained vaginal pain.... I find that very interesting.

Enough from me!

To finish check out Cesarean Art and click on the opening picture to enter the site.....